New Year's Resolutions

Never let the cat catch the goldfish

Every day remember to be kind to everyone you meet, including the turkeys

When you go on holiday, take your large swimsuit or lose weight

Your best friend should be your exercise machine so buy one now in the sales

Eat something naughty but nice every evening

Always put the car in the garden and the cat in the garage

Remind your next-door neighbours to let their cats in, except they disappeared

Send thank you letters to those who gave you gifts, except those gifts they had rejected

Remember that Easter bunnies will remind you how to behave

Eat regularly, but first of all, find your kitchen

Sexy attire is not just for Christmas

Only wear sports gear on Sundays and make sure your curtains are open

Lose lots of weight, including your spouse

Understand the workings of the remote control, but where the heck is it?

Try to remember to put the bin out the night before, no more pyjama dashes!

In case you are unwell, always put on a brave face

Only swear at vandals and pot holes

Never wear tight clothes unless you are in the presence of someone you fancy

Smile every day but make sure that your teeth are in